Husbands, Wives, Kids and Dogs

Last week (I think), I was listening to Forum on NPR and the guests were a married couple from UC Berkeley who had just completed a study that showed that having babies increases marital strain. Now, I'm certainly not a professional psychologist, but I am pretty sure I could have figured that one out on my own. Of course having a baby puts a strain on a relationship. Not sleeping for months at a time can actually cause psychosis, so the mere fact that people make it out of the newborn stage without killing each other should be rewarded.

In spite of the obvious result of the study, some good points were made. The first was that "modern" couples tend to enter into marriage with the expectation that they will split everything 50/50. In many cases both partners are working, and since people tend to marry later now than they did 40 years ago, both partners have also usually enjoyed some semblance of independence before entering into marriagehood. So, the assumption that traditional 1950s household divisions are antiquated and won't enter into the "new" marriage, seems reasonable.

The trouble is, some things just can't be split, and this unequal division shows its true colors as soon as one partner gets pregnant. Because, let's face it, pregnancy stinks. Even if you say you are feeling good, you are really only feeling good for a pregnant woman, and that is just not that good in the grand scheme of things. And then, the baby is born and you get a baby, which is wonderful and amazing, and there is nothing to compare it to. But along with all of that comes the responsibility of raising this baby. For the first few months to a year, most of that responsibilty falls on the mother. Depending on how long you nurse, how well the baby sleeps, how much time you are able to take off work, etc. a pattern is established that the mother is the one to care for the baby. Even after the baby is less deendent on the Mom, the Dad is sometimes hesitant to step in. It's not that Dad can't, or won't, it's just that he does not have all the tools, or at least he thinks he doesn't have all the tools. And so the division of labor is set and the sense of equality is crushed forever.

I love my husband and my kids, and it really does get better and better, but Ben and I do not have the same relationship now that we did when we first started dating and fell in love (almost 11 years ago!). In some ways it is much better, and in all ways it is much stronger. We made two beautiful babies who are healthy and happy. We own a home and a we have a dog, but it's not the same. We are different because of the choices we made and how we have responded to those choices makes us a better couple. I would just like to be able to go and see a movie once in a while :)

The best of intentions

I started this blog so that I could keep track of what my kids are doing and what is happening in the Wien world, however, it appears that I cannot be relied upon to maintain it. I am going to do my best, and have set a goal for myself to post at least once a week. I should be able to manage that, right?

This past weekend was a killer. I had to leave school early on Friday because Jack was sick. Then, I caught the bug and was sick in bed pretty much all day on Sunday. I just keep waiting for Megan to get it, but so far, she is healthy. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

We are all waiting for Jack to start walking. He can stand up on his own for about 30 seconds and he can sort of cruise around furniture, but he moves pretty fast when he crawls, so I'm not sure how much longer we'll have to wait. Ben and I are betting that he'll walk by his first birthday.

So long, for now... I'll be back. Sometime.