Husbands, Wives, Kids and Dogs

Last week (I think), I was listening to Forum on NPR and the guests were a married couple from UC Berkeley who had just completed a study that showed that having babies increases marital strain. Now, I'm certainly not a professional psychologist, but I am pretty sure I could have figured that one out on my own. Of course having a baby puts a strain on a relationship. Not sleeping for months at a time can actually cause psychosis, so the mere fact that people make it out of the newborn stage without killing each other should be rewarded.

In spite of the obvious result of the study, some good points were made. The first was that "modern" couples tend to enter into marriage with the expectation that they will split everything 50/50. In many cases both partners are working, and since people tend to marry later now than they did 40 years ago, both partners have also usually enjoyed some semblance of independence before entering into marriagehood. So, the assumption that traditional 1950s household divisions are antiquated and won't enter into the "new" marriage, seems reasonable.

The trouble is, some things just can't be split, and this unequal division shows its true colors as soon as one partner gets pregnant. Because, let's face it, pregnancy stinks. Even if you say you are feeling good, you are really only feeling good for a pregnant woman, and that is just not that good in the grand scheme of things. And then, the baby is born and you get a baby, which is wonderful and amazing, and there is nothing to compare it to. But along with all of that comes the responsibility of raising this baby. For the first few months to a year, most of that responsibilty falls on the mother. Depending on how long you nurse, how well the baby sleeps, how much time you are able to take off work, etc. a pattern is established that the mother is the one to care for the baby. Even after the baby is less deendent on the Mom, the Dad is sometimes hesitant to step in. It's not that Dad can't, or won't, it's just that he does not have all the tools, or at least he thinks he doesn't have all the tools. And so the division of labor is set and the sense of equality is crushed forever.

I love my husband and my kids, and it really does get better and better, but Ben and I do not have the same relationship now that we did when we first started dating and fell in love (almost 11 years ago!). In some ways it is much better, and in all ways it is much stronger. We made two beautiful babies who are healthy and happy. We own a home and a we have a dog, but it's not the same. We are different because of the choices we made and how we have responded to those choices makes us a better couple. I would just like to be able to go and see a movie once in a while :)

The best of intentions

I started this blog so that I could keep track of what my kids are doing and what is happening in the Wien world, however, it appears that I cannot be relied upon to maintain it. I am going to do my best, and have set a goal for myself to post at least once a week. I should be able to manage that, right?

This past weekend was a killer. I had to leave school early on Friday because Jack was sick. Then, I caught the bug and was sick in bed pretty much all day on Sunday. I just keep waiting for Megan to get it, but so far, she is healthy. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

We are all waiting for Jack to start walking. He can stand up on his own for about 30 seconds and he can sort of cruise around furniture, but he moves pretty fast when he crawls, so I'm not sure how much longer we'll have to wait. Ben and I are betting that he'll walk by his first birthday.

So long, for now... I'll be back. Sometime.

Thoughts on Obama

I love Michelle Obama. There are a lot of reasons, but the one that comes to mind right now is that, on the most recent cover of Newsweek, she appears taller than her husband. I am pretty tall myself, and I envy the fact that she is almost as tall as Barack, and yet she still wears heels, to an event where she will be photographed and put on the cover of magazines. Seriously, I love her. I wish I was that cool.

And as for our President, I love him too. Not because I think he is perfect, actually, his stumble during the oath of office made him seem almost human. I love him because he represents change. I love that there is a young family in the White House, and I love that they don't look like me. I love that Megan knows who Barack Obama is. I love that she was disappointed that he wasn't there when we went to vote in November. I love that when she saw the picture of Michelle Obama on the cover of Newsweek she didn't understand why she wasn't wearing the "yellow dress she was wearing earlier." But most of all, I love that she has never once mentioned that he looks a bit different than she does. I hope the thought never even crosses her mind.

In January of 2008 I was terrified, because I was desperate for a Democrat to be in the White House and I was concerned that we were being a little too, well, liberal, with Hillary and Barack as our top contenders. I should have had more faith. I am a little ashamed of myself for not believing in the people of this country. Despite the dire financial situation, I am so excited to have a man (someday it will be a woman) in the White House who I think really cares about the same things that I do.

Hooray America!

Too little sleep

Dear Megan and Jack,

I want to preface this by saying that I really do love you, and I love spending time with you, but when the time that we spend together begins at 4:45am, I am a little less likely to be patient and kind for the rest of the day. I have no idea how to get you two kids to sleep when you keep waking each other up. This is the challenge we are facing today.

Megan, when you were little, I swore to myself that I was going to keep a journal so that I would be able to remember everything about your life. Here we are, 3 years later, and I am just getting around to it. I wish someone had told me that when I had a second baby, everything that I thought I knew about babies would either be forgotten or irrelevant. On second thought, maybe someone did tell me and I just forgot.

Jack, I know you want to eat regular food. I know that the baby food I keep trying to feed you is gross, but for the life of me, I cannot remember what foods are easy for babies to eat. I cannot believe that you are almost one year old. I cannot believe that you will be walking soon. What happened to my little itty bitty baby? I guess you were never really itty bitty, but you sure seemed small to me.

Megan, right now you are obsessed with Olivia, the Backyardigans, Fancy Nancy and all that is pink. You WILL NOT go out with anything on your body unless it is a dress, and you insist on choosing your dress and shoes. When we are in the house, you prefer to wear your birthday suit, but you leave the house in some pretty spectacular outfits these days. You sing and dance all the time. My favorite songs are the ones you make up, and I love watching you play. I hope that you are always as creative as you are now.

Jack, right now you are obsessed with ME. There are very few things in this world that make me happier than seeing your face when you see mine. You are such a sweet little baby. I hope you grow into a good and kind man. You are lucky to have a man like your Dad as a role model.

OK, I think that is it for now. I love you more than you will ever know,

Love,
(your very tired) Mom