Megan thinking about my dad

It's been a long time since I wrote anything, but it's summer, and I have no work, so here goes.

Today in the car Megan, who is 3 and a half, asked me if I was sad that my dad was in heaven. I told her that yes, I was very sad. She then asked if it made me upset, and again i told her that it did. Then she asked if I wanted to have another dad and I said no, I loved my dad but I just missed him. Then she was quiet for a little bit and said to me "Mommy, you don't need another Daddy because my Daddy takes such good care of you."

She is so sweet, but it does make me so sad that she will never know him. I was sad when my dad wasn't there to walk me down the aisle at my wedding, but it is nothing compared to the sorrow I feel that my kids will never know him. He would have loved them so much and I think I miss him more now that I have kids than I did before.

At least I know he is happy with all of our dogs :)

My Childhood Home

I was thinking recently about the love I have for the house I grew up in. We moved when I was 14, and I do not feel nostalgic for my second home in the way that I do for my first home. Maybe it was the fact that "Roney 1975" was etched into the garage floor because my parent's built the house, maybe it was the fact that my room was MY ROOM. In our second house, I never really felt settled and my room never really felt like mine, but in the first house, it was MINE. My green carpet and flowered wallpaper and room shaped like a gun, it was all mine. My memories of that house are so vivid, sometimes I'll drive past and I'll get a feeling like I could turn up the driveway, walk right in and still feel at home.

Maybe this is on my mind because for Christmas this year Megan got as a gift my old doll house. It has been passed around to lots of different kids over the years, but now it's back, and even though it is red when it should be yellow, I still look at it and want to sit and play it with her for hours. Sometimes she wakes up early, turns on her light and plays with it for an hour before coming into our room to get us up for the day.

It could also be because I am in the process of signing her up for preschool and she will go to the same school that I did. We went and visited last week, and it looks just the same. My old teacher is still there, believe it or not. She seemed so grown up. She introduced herself to some of the other kids, and even started a game of tag. It's as though a whole new world is opening up for her.

I love that she is getting old enough to do those things, but it also makes me yearn for the home that she and Jack will grow up in. Where we live now feels temporary, but Megan is forming memories and attachments to our house and neighborhood. It makes me happy to see her connect to the things around us, but I also want her to have a home with a backyard and friends who live next door or down the street who she'll grow up with. If only we could bring our current neighbors with us when we go.

My (minor) obsession with the Obama's

I may have mentioned this before, but when we went to vote in November, Megan was very disappointed that Barack Obama wasn't there. I mean, really upset. It was actually kind of cute, and maybe a little disturbing because obviously I am foisting my political views onto my unsuspecting daughter, but I am going to be ok with it.

But, times have changed, and my obsession with the Obama's moved from Barack in November to Michelle in January, and now I think that what I admire most about them is, them. I love that he loves her so much, and that she is so strong and that his position does not diminish her. I love that they are the couple in the White House while my kids are little. I think that even if I didn't agree with their politics, I would admire their marriage-and their family.

A Tale of Two Students

A few weeks ago I spent an entire day having meetings with students and parents. The students were members of a program at school that is designed to identify the students who are struggling and provide them with the support they need to succeed. The kids in the program are very different and all have different issues, but one thing was true for all of them. The program is working. They feel more connected to school now than they did in October, and their grades are improving. The entire day, with the exception of one meeting, was powerful and uplifting and validated my choice to be a teacher.

The one exception was the last meeting of the day. This kid came to the meeting with his mom. Most of his teachers, the Assistant Principal and his counselor were there as well. The goal of the meeting was to talk about what we could do to help this kid, I'll call him Adam, do better. His mother basically told us that she had given up on him and that there was no hope. When asked, Adam said that he wanted to be a Navy Seal. He knew exactly what he needed to do to become one, and had set goals for himself to get there. His mother basically laughed at him and told us that we should not believe a word he said. It was awful. I cannot imagine ever getting to a point with Jack or Megan where I would sit next to one of them and tell him/her that s/he just isn't that smart. I left that meeting wanting to cry. Here you have a kid who should be doing great, and yet he's miserable. He has every privilege imaginable, and yet, he has no support. I know I don't know the whole story, but what I do know, is really sad.

On the other hand, one of the earlier meetings totally reinforced the decision to go into teaching. "Charlie," a kid from Marin City with no parent at home who was failing and headed for County as of October has totally and completely turned his life around. He has the highest grade in his Science class, he has a positive attitude and is talking to his counselor about what he needs to do to get into Cal. He was so grateful for the program and you could really tell that he is going to do what it takes to get where he wants to be. This is the first time in 7 years of teaching that I can look at a student and KNOW that I have made a difference to him. There have probably been more, but this one really matters to me. I am so proud of him. I left that meeting wanting to cry for a completely different reason.

For what it's worth, Adam has made a real effort to do better over the last few weeks. He has approached all of his teachers and is starting to make up for lost time. But still, you have to wonder, what's worse, having absolutely no parental guidance or having a parent who has totally lost faith in you?

I think that being a parent has made me a better teacher. The main reason is that I can look at all of the kids in my classes and say to myself, there is someone out there that loves this kid as much as I love my kids, and if there isn't, then he'll need to get support somewhere, and I can try to do that.

Jack is One!

Jack turned one this past weekend, and I really cannot believe that he has been around for a year. A part of me feels like we have always had him, and another part feels like the past year has gone by too quickly. As hard as the baby stage is, it is also so great.

I was just rocking Jack before putting him down for a nap, and he just melts into me. Megan still cuddles, but the difference between a 3year old cuddle and a 1 year old cuddle is huge. Jack just totally gives in to the snuggle. Sometimes it feels like he can't get close enough to me, which is such a great feeling. And he smells so good. It's so hard for me to imagine that someday he is going to be 15 and won't want anything to do with me. I can't think about that now.

I can't believe he is getting so big. Still not walking, but he's close. Part of me just wants him to say a baby, but then another part of me can't wait until he can talk and run and be the crazy kid that I know he will be. I honestly believe he is waiting to walk until he can run. He's going to take off as soon as he can, I just know it :)

So I guess this is my ode to Jack. My baby boy.

Captain Sully

I am sitting at my computer watching Captain Sullenberger and his wife be interviewed by some local news anchor and I am thanking my lucky stars that Ben doesn't risk his life every day that he goes to work. I realize that plane travel is safer than driving in a car, but still, it feels different. I do think that we tend to throw around the term "hero" a bit too freely, and I don't know if Sully is one, he was just doing his job after all. But his stoicism in the face of challenge and his poise in the face of sudden fame seem like good things to strive for, so maybe that is a bit heroic. Being grateful for what you have is a gift. I need to work to be better at it.

Husbands, Wives, Kids and Dogs

Last week (I think), I was listening to Forum on NPR and the guests were a married couple from UC Berkeley who had just completed a study that showed that having babies increases marital strain. Now, I'm certainly not a professional psychologist, but I am pretty sure I could have figured that one out on my own. Of course having a baby puts a strain on a relationship. Not sleeping for months at a time can actually cause psychosis, so the mere fact that people make it out of the newborn stage without killing each other should be rewarded.

In spite of the obvious result of the study, some good points were made. The first was that "modern" couples tend to enter into marriage with the expectation that they will split everything 50/50. In many cases both partners are working, and since people tend to marry later now than they did 40 years ago, both partners have also usually enjoyed some semblance of independence before entering into marriagehood. So, the assumption that traditional 1950s household divisions are antiquated and won't enter into the "new" marriage, seems reasonable.

The trouble is, some things just can't be split, and this unequal division shows its true colors as soon as one partner gets pregnant. Because, let's face it, pregnancy stinks. Even if you say you are feeling good, you are really only feeling good for a pregnant woman, and that is just not that good in the grand scheme of things. And then, the baby is born and you get a baby, which is wonderful and amazing, and there is nothing to compare it to. But along with all of that comes the responsibility of raising this baby. For the first few months to a year, most of that responsibilty falls on the mother. Depending on how long you nurse, how well the baby sleeps, how much time you are able to take off work, etc. a pattern is established that the mother is the one to care for the baby. Even after the baby is less deendent on the Mom, the Dad is sometimes hesitant to step in. It's not that Dad can't, or won't, it's just that he does not have all the tools, or at least he thinks he doesn't have all the tools. And so the division of labor is set and the sense of equality is crushed forever.

I love my husband and my kids, and it really does get better and better, but Ben and I do not have the same relationship now that we did when we first started dating and fell in love (almost 11 years ago!). In some ways it is much better, and in all ways it is much stronger. We made two beautiful babies who are healthy and happy. We own a home and a we have a dog, but it's not the same. We are different because of the choices we made and how we have responded to those choices makes us a better couple. I would just like to be able to go and see a movie once in a while :)